Fixing a Broken Heart

It was not supposed to end like this.  As I sat in the bleachers and watched the scene unfold in front of me, it was surreal, a bad dream.  Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion and when it was over and the hand thrust in the air was not Landon's, I could not believe it was true.  I felt each part of my heart crumble and my nausea increased to the point of being sick.  I was numb.  It all had come down to this match and now it was over and it was not the outcome that any of us expected or that Landon worked for. Why, God?  Why? Why? Why?
I continued to ask myself this question over and over again for days.  Landon had earned his way to the state tournament this year.  It has been his dream for 4 years.  As a senior, this year was only his second starting year on the Varsity team.  He had been behind two other state champions his freshman and sophomore years and waited patiently for his time.  He went undefeated in his JV years and was awarded the JV MVP twice.Finally his junior year rolled around and Landon set his sights on the state championship.  He came in 4th last year and that was enough for Landon to say..........I will be the state champion next year.....his senior year.   Landon worked so hard and devoted so much time to this goal that it is difficult to explain in words.  Cutting weight, running in the dark, workouts twice a day sometimes seven days a week, lifting, foregoing social events to practice, numerous black eyes, sore muscles, a knee injury and on and on and on.  He was ranked #1 in Hampton Roads in his weight class and written about in the newspaper many times.  Everything seemed to be heading on the road to a state championship.  The conference match rolled around and Landon won.  The Regionals came and Landon won.  Now he was on his way to a state championship.  Or so we thought.
Landon had three matches in the state tournament.  He won the first two and the last one for the title was scheduled for Saturday night at 6:30.  This meant a day of nerves for me.  I had been sick earlier in the week and still feeling weak.  My nausea never completely disappeared and as of Saturday morning it was back in full force.  I knew though that it was because of my nerves and not because of sickness.  I can't ever recall a time when I was that nauseous because of nerves.  I felt there was so much on the line and that all I could do at that point was pray for him.  I had prayed so much up to this point and asked specifically for God to give Landon the desires of his heart which was to be a state champion.
The final match began after a nailbiter with Landon's teammate and drill partner, Alex winning the state title at 106 by a score of 15-14.  This really set the excitement and I couldn't wait to see Landon wrestle and win.  The match began and I could tell that Landon was pumped.  It was going to be a close one and the score was 0-0 after the first period.  At one point, Landon escaped and earned a point for the score to now be 1-0.  Landon had a stalling call called on him early in the second period, but this was a warning.  This call was questionable, but Landon knew he would continue to work hard to win.  During the third period, with about 34 seconds left, Landon had a second stalling call called on him.  This was the call of doom.  So unfair and not warranted at all.  Landon had been on top and was working to improve his position all along.  How in the world could this happen?  The place erupted in boos and questioning.  With not a lot of time left, the wrestlers started again with Landon on top, the opponent escaped and scored another point and the final score was 2-1.  Landon did not come away with the state championship.
So now my son's heart was on the mat broken in a thousand pieces. And mine was broken into a thousand more and Dan's was too.  How do you pick up these pieces and put them back together?  How do you console a son whose life was poured into his dream for the past two years and he came up short?  What do I say?  At that point, I prayed and just asked God to please give me the words or make me silent.  Whatever He thought was best because I could NOT do this on my own.  I couldn't even speak without tears streaming down my face and my voice trembling.  
God knew.  He knew this all along.  He knew what the outcome would be and how we would feel.  He knew that Landon would pour all of himself into this goal and not reach it.  He knew that there would be an unfair call on Landon and he knows that life is unfair..........all of the time.  But, He also loves each of us and is there for us in our darkest hour.  Over the next the next few days, we were witnesses to God's love and how He poured it out on Landon and us to comfort our aching hearts.
After a night of no sleep, nausea, and tears drenching my pillow, it was morning and time to head home.  Dalton got into the shower and Dan and I were able to talk with Landon about everything.  It was difficult.  We all cried.  We explained that we didn't know why this happened and that it is okay to be mad with God and tell Him that.  We also expressed our unconditional love for Landon and that he has his whole life in front of him, including a college wrestling career that God will continue to bless regardless of the outcome of the state championship.
Over the next week after this loss, God comforted us in many wonderful ways.  Dalton had a wrestling match vs. Great Neck on Tuesday and the love, hugs and words of affirmation that Landon received there from friends, coaches and the entire wrestling community are ones that I will cherish forever.  Tweets, texts and phone calls continued the comforting for Landon.  God has taught me a lot through this and I know that I will continue to learn each day, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that even though Landon's name may not be on the wall at Cox High School as a state champion, he is truly a champion of God's kingdom.  The legacy that he will leave at Cox far surpasses any other accolade that I can dream of for him.  His work ethic, love of God and family, kindness, goodness, sense of humor, personality, integrity and moral character will stand the test of time.  I know that God will use Landon in mighty ways.  It is not always in the way that we dream, but I know that His way is the best even if we don't understand it.  He WILL make all of our paths straight if we trust in Him.  And that is all we can do, Trust and watch Him work.  Put Him first in all we do and trust in the outcome even if we question it.  Dan and I will continue to pray for Landon, and stand with him through thick and thin.  God has given us a precious gem and we are so thankful.  Were we able to fix the broken heart?  No, but God saved that job for Himself and He did it in a way that was perfect.  Our hearts are not the same, but they have grown and mended and are thankful in ways that we could have never imagined.

A Perfect Fit

       The past few weeks I have had many opportunities to reflect on the reality that Landon will be leaving for college in about a year. The biggest looming question now is: Where?    I don't know that fact yet, but one thing I can say with certainty is that I am at peace about the places that Landon is contemplating. I believe he has found what might be a perfect fit. 

      This idea of a perfect fit got me thinking about jean's shopping.  I don't particularly care for this type of shopping as I always have a difficult time finding jeans that fit well.  But, when I am in a dressing room and I slip the perfect pair of jeans on my body........well......let's just say that it feels really good and I just know.  This usually comes after trying on more than 15 pairs and thinking that I am never going to find a pair that is just for me.  But, when I do, my perceptions change and the process of finding the perfect fitting jeans is complete. No sagging, not too tight, no pulling and the perfect length.    I know this might sound silly, but for me this is true. There is no other question about other pairs that I have tried.  I know that this is the right one and I make a beeline for the cash register!!

     The process of touring and visiting colleges has been a long one..........(just ask Dalton and he will confirm that! )  We started last March and over Spring Break we really buckled down and visited many different schools.  I remember clearly after each visit asking Landon what he thought and it was usually "I liked it."  Nothing more and nothing less than "I liked it." Now I do know that my son is not a young man of many words, but I knew that his answer was just a rote one and I observed nothing different in his demeanor that would indicate otherwise.  I started to worry.  About what you may ask??  Well, if I really reflect on that question, I don't really know what I was worried about because I knew that Landon would go to college.  I just had not yet observed Landon with the "perfect fit".  I didn't know what this would look like, but I prayed that in my heart I would know.  


In late July, Dan and I took Landon to North and South Carolina to do the last of our two tours of colleges. I was hoping that one of these colleges might be the one, but I was trying not to get my hopes up too high.  On the first day, we toured and talked with the wrestling coach.  We ate lunch in the cafeteria and hung out in the student center.  We took pictures and visited the weight room.  After a long day, we piled into the car to drive to South Carolina.  Landon knew the question was coming......"So, what did you think?" I asked.  He replied, "I really liked it!"  Only a one word difference from his other answers to that question that I had asked many times previously.  Really.........really was the key word.  When Landon answered, my heart burst with joy because it was different this time.  His smile, his hand motions, his face and his eyes.  "Mom, I can really see myself here."  And I knew right at that very moment that he meant it in a way that was different from all of the other times.  A peace settled over me that hadn't before.  My heart knew.  God had answered my prayers.  Now we still had another school to visit and at this point, I actually was thinking there is no way that he is going to like another school as much as this one.  Long story short...........he did!!  We went through the same process at the second school and his answer again was " I really liked it!"  I noticed the same smile and demeanor from the previous day.  God had answered my prayers in an immeasurable way that I had never expected.  In all honesty, I can see Landon thriving at either of these schools and my heart was at peace.  My reply was, "Landon, I don't envy the decision that you will ultimately have to make, but God will guide you to the perfect place." 

So now we just wait patiently..... we are not yet making a beeline to the cash register, but that will come too!!  :)    His applications for both of these schools are complete with the exception of ACT scores and his transcripts.There is not any sagging, pulling or tightness in our hearts.  We are at peace and are moving forward with the knowledge that one of these schools will be our perfect college fit!!  
     

Get Ready.........get set......and GO!!

Visiting colleges, learning about scholarships and financial aid, ACT's and SAT's, big school or small school, tutoring, AP exams, dual enrollment, GPA, class rank, transcripts, applications, etc.........if any of these terms are familiar to you, you probably are embarking upon your child's senior year in High School.  This is where I am right now......like it or not.  Some days I embrace it and know that Dan and I have prepared Landon well.  Other days, my heart hurts.  Where did the time go?  How did we get here? Is he ready?  How will I cope?  It is extremely bittersweet and my thoughts and memories swirl in my mind from when he was a small boy with sweet smelling skin and fine curly hair.  How can time move so slowly sometimes and other times there just isn't enough of it??  

This year ahead will be a time of getting ready.  Emotionally getting ready for me.  Grasping onto the fact that my house will be different, my dinner table will have less people, there will be no fighting between brothers, a bedroom will be empty and I will have less laundry.  The year ahead will also be a time of getting set.  Preparing to be set to release my son to begin another chapter of his life, meet new friends, strengthen his faith, fall down and get back up without me there, and fully blossom into the man that God created Landon to be. As I grapple with my heart and emotions during this special time, hopefully come next August, I will be ready to let go.  

This blog will be instrumental in expressing the plethora of feelings that I am sure to experience throughout this journey.  I am relying on God to prompt me to blog about sentiments that I want to remember during Landon's senior year.  I also am trusting Him to lead and guide me each step of the way and always remembering that He is in control.